Dogs love us humans for many reasons, partly because we feed them, play with them and shelter them. They even love us when we scolded them for eating the cats food or today's lunch, but here is another reason why they love us: We are the most amazing hunters !
Out in the wild, hunting is so hard and dangerous that it has to be done in packs. Your pack could wonder around for days until you found something large enough to feed you all and harmless enough not to eat you instead. Even if you and your pack did bring some poor beast down, there was still no guarantee you would get a meal or even survive.
Dogs don't know anything about farming, meat markets, money or shops, so its hardly surprising that they look at us in such awe and respect when we return after one hours shopping carrying the meat equivalent of three and a half elephants.
On the 3rd floor, a manager gets on who's perfect: 3 piece suit, great build and nice butt, the bad part is they both notice he has dandruff.
The man gets off on the 5th floor.
Once the doors closed, the brunette turned to the blonde and said, "Someone should give him Head and Shoulders". To which the blonde replied, "How do you give Shoulders?"
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the
window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and
must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the
sign and went inside.
He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over
to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager.
The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least.
However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you.
The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type
out a perfect letter.
He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to
him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you
have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer.
The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs
and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to
the manager.
By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the
dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and
have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the
job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw
on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
A mother was in the kitchen working, listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son say " All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks".
The mother went into the living room and told her son, "we don't use language like that in this house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours and when you come out you may play with your train again ... but I want you to use nice language".
After two hours, the son comes out and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stops and the mother hears her son say "All passengers who are disembarking the train please remember to take all your parcels with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope you will ride with us again soon".
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask that you stow all your hand luggage under your seat. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".
As the mother begins to smile, the child added: "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen"!
Have you ever worked in an office where someone insist upon listening to their voice mail using the speaker-phone (at full volume, naturally). It can really begin to bother you after a while.
I found a fairly easy fix for that, though. I have my wife call his desk when he's not there and leave a message like "Hi, this is Candy from Hot Gay Men. You haven't paid for the 'toys' we sent you, you naughty boy. You wouldn't want me to come over there and spank
you, would you?"
It is the last time you hear that particular speaker-phone, I can
assure you.
It can look quite awful on some but I have seen some lovely photos of women with abs. Eva Andressa is a very good example of women doing it right - Instagram ... she has some impressive work-out videos on YouTube too !
As Barney Stinson (from US TV program: "How I Met Your Mother") used to say "Suit-up dude !". He wore a suit for almost every occasion particularly when chatting-up women.
If you live in the UK where is the best place to get MtM (Made To Measure) suits. If you live near London you are spoilt for choice but Savile Row is probably the best place.
I use 40 Savile Row for all my MtM suits and they start at £1,000 so no need to set-up another mortgage each time you buy a suit. If you choose to use this shop, look for Max and give him my regards.
its quite easy peter . Firstly we do NEED many pairs of shoes not just desire or want them !! And the reason is because our lovely feet ask us every day to adorn them with a new pair otherwise they have withdrawal symptons and our feet stop working
Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.
If you're going through hell, keep going.
You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.
Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak. Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.
Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often.
Never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never—in nothing, great or small, large or petty—never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense.
History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.
We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.
There are a terrible lot of lies going about the world, and the worst of it is that half of them are true.
To build may have to be the slow and laborious task of years. To destroy can be the thoughtless act of a single day.
The farther backward you can look, the farther forward you are likely to see.
The price of greatness is responsibility.
Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened.
Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.
One ought never to turn one’s back on a threatened danger and try to run away from it. If you do that, you will double the danger. But if you meet it promptly and without flinching, you will reduce the danger by half.
Personally I’m always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.
Broadly speaking short words are best and the old words when short, are best of all.
Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb.
History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.
Those who can win a war well can rarely make a good peace, and those who could make a good peace would never have won the war.
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
Many were increasingly of the opinion that they’d all made a big mistake in coming down from the trees in the first place. And some said that even the trees had been a bad move, and that no one should ever have left the oceans.
“My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre,” Ford muttered to himself, “and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.”
The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don’t.
“You know,” said Arthur, “it’s at times like this, when I’m trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse, and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I’d listened to what my mother told me when I was young.” - “Why, what did she tell you?” - “I don’t know, I didn’t listen.”
“Space,” it says, “is big. Really big. You just won’t believe how vastly, hugely, mindbogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it’s a long way down the road to the chemist’s, but that’s just peanuts to space.”
“Funny,” he intoned funereally, “how just when you think life can’t possibly get any worse it suddenly does.”
Isn’t it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too?
A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again. Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now.
The reason why it was published in the form of a micro sub meson electronic component is that if it were printed in normal book form, an interstellar hitchhiker would require several inconveniently large buildings to carry it around in.
For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much — the wheel, New York, wars and so on — whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man — for precisely the same reasons.
The last ever dolphin message was misinterpreted as a surprisingly sophisticated attempt to do a double-backwards-somersault through a hoop whilst whistling the ‘Star Spangled Banner’, but in fact the message was this: So long and thanks for all the fish.
The chances of finding out what’s really going on in the universe are so remote, the only thing to do is hang the sense of it and keep yourself occupied.
“Listen, three eyes,” he said, “don’t you try to out-weird me, I get stranger things than you free with my breakfast cereal.”
“Forty-two,” said Deep Thought, with infinite majesty and calm.
Not unnaturally, many elevators imbued with intelligence and precognition became terribly frustrated with the mindless business of going up and down, up and down, experimented briefly with the notion of going sideways, as a sort of existential protest, demanded participation in the decision-making process and finally took to squatting in basements sulking.
The Total Perspective Vortex derives its picture of the whole Universe on the principle of extrapolated matter analyses.To explain — since every piece of matter in the Universe is in some way affected by every other piece of matter in the Universe, it is in theory possible to extrapolate the whole of creation — every sun, every planet, their orbits, their composition and their economic and social history from, say, one small piece of fairy cake. The man who invented the Total Perspective Vortex did so basically in order to annoy his wife.
“Shee, you guys are so unhip it’s a wonder your bums don’t fall off.”
It is known that there are an infinite number of worlds, simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them to be in. However, not every one of them is inhabited. Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so the average population of all the planets in the Universe can be said to be zero. From this it follows that the population of the whole Universe is also zero, and that any people you may meet from time to time are merely the products of a deranged imagination.
The disadvantages involved in pulling lots of black sticky slime from out of the ground where it had been safely hidden out of harm’s way, turning it into tar to cover the land with, smoke to fill the air with and pouring the rest into the sea, all seemed to outweigh the advantages of being able to get more quickly from one place to another.
Make it totally clear that this gun has a right end and a wrong end. Make it totally clear to anyone standing at the wrong end that things are going badly for them. If that means sticking all sort of spikes and prongs and blackened bits all over it then so be it. This is not a gun for hanging over the fireplace or sticking in the umbrella stand, it is a gun for going out and making people miserable with.
It is a well known fact that those people who most want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it. To summarise the summary: anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.
“Since we decided a few weeks ago to adopt the leaf as legal tender, we have, of course, all become immensely rich.”
In the end, it was the Sunday afternoons he couldn’t cope with, and that terrible listlessness that starts to set in about 2:55, when you know you’ve taken all the baths that you can usefully take that day, that however hard you stare at any given paragraph in the newspaper you will never actually read it, or use the revolutionary new pruning technique it describes, and that as you stare at the clock the hands will move relentlessly on to four o’clock, and you will enter the long dark teatime of the soul.
He gazed keenly into the distance and looked as if he would quite like the wind to blow his hair back dramatically at that point, but the wind was busy fooling around with some leaves a little way off.
“He was staring at the instruments with the air of one who is trying to convert Fahrenheit to centigrade in his head while his house is burning down.”
There is a moment in every dawn when light floats, there is the possibility of magic. Creation holds its breath.
“You may not instantly see why I bring the subject up, but that is because my mind works so phenomenally fast, and I am at a rough estimate thirty billion times more intelligent than you. Let me give you an example. Think of a number, any number.” - “Er, five,” said the mattress. - “Wrong,” said Marvin. “You see?”
There is an art, it says, or rather, a knack to flying. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.
He hoped and prayed that there wasn’t an afterlife. Then he realised there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn’t an afterlife.
Eskimos had over two hundred different words for snow, without which their conversation would probably have got very monotonous. So they would distinguish between thin snow and thick snow, light snow and heavy snow, sludgy snow, brittle snow, snow that came in flurries, snow that came in drifts, snow that came in on the bottom of your neighbour's boots all over your nice clean igloo floor, the snows of winter, the snows of spring, the snows you remember from your childhood that were so much better than any of your modern snow, fine snow, feathery snow, hill snow, valley snow, snow that falls in the morning, snow that falls at night, snow that falls all of a sudden just when you were going out fishing, and snow that despite all your efforts to train them, the huskies have pissed on.
The storm had now definitely abated, and what thunder there was now grumbled over more distant hills, like a man saying “And another thing…” twenty minutes after admitting he’s lost the argument.
He was wrong to think he could now forget that the big, hard, oily, dirty, rainbow-hung Earth on which he lived was a microscopic dot on a microscopic dot lost in the unimaginable infinity of the Universe.
“It seemed to me,” said Wonko the Sane, “that any civilisation that had so far lost its head as to need to include a set of detailed instructions for use in a packet of toothpicks, was no longer a civilization in which I could live and stay sane.”
“Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.”
The last time anybody made a list of the top hundred character attributes of New Yorkers, common sense snuck in at number 79.
Protect me from knowing what I don’t need to know. Protect me from even knowing that there are things to know that I don’t know. Protect me from knowing that I decided not to know about the things that I decided not to know about. Amen.
All you really need to know for the moment is that the universe is a lot more complicated than you might think, even if you start from a position of thinking it’s pretty damn complicated in the first place.
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
"The Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy" trilogy (!!) by the late Douglas Adams.
Oolon Colluphid wrote some brilliant books too :-
"Where God Went wrong", "Some more of God's Greatest Mistakes" and "Who is this God Person Anyway ?"
He is also said to have written two additional books entitled "Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Guilt But Were Too Ashamed To Ask" and "Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Sex But Have Been Forced to Find Out"
I agree with the Bill Burr choice. Frankie Boyle is another good choice and he's also not afraid to cover some very close-to-the-edge topics ... I suspect he was kicked off Mock The Week because his humour didn't get close-to-the-edge, it crashed straight through it in to next doors garden !
I told a friend about my "elude" game a few years ago and he gave me a book called "Game" by Anders de la Motte. Here is an extract :-
In Game, Henrik “HP” Petterson, a slacker with a big ego and no impulse control, finds a cellphone that invites him to play a mysterious, high-stakes game. HP loves the thrill, but it soon becomes clear there is something more sinister at play. In Buzz, HP is newly wealthy due to his success at the Game, but he misses the excitement. When he meets the beautiful and enigmatic Anna Argos, she throws HP’s life into chaos, pitting him against a threat whose existence he cannot prove. In Bubble, HP is living off the grid, hiding from both the police and the makers of the Game. With everything at stake, HP resolves to complete one final mission in order to expose the Game and finally uncover the truth behind it.
I enjoyed it so much that I bought the other two book in the trilogy: "Buzz" and "Bubble"
John Varley wrote the Gaea Trilogy in 1979. It featured three books: Titan, Wizard & Demon. Here is a write-up from Wikipedia :-
A scientific expedition to the planet Saturn discovers a strange satellite in orbit around the planet. Commanding the ship is Cirocco Jones, a tall NASA career woman, aided by astronomer Gaby Plauget, the clone twin physicists April and August Polo, pilot Eugene Springfield, physician Calvin Greene and engineer Bill.
As they reach the satellite they realize it is a huge hollow torus. Before they can report this the ship is entangled in cables from the object. The crew is rendered unconscious and later wake up inside the habitat. Initially separated, Cirroco and Gaby find each other and travel together through the world inside the torus to find the rest of the crew.
As the story progresses, they find Calvin living as a companion inside a Blimp, an intelligent gasbag 1Km long, one of many that swim forever in the air inside the habitat. Calvin can speak to the blimp and understand its responses, which consist of whistles. Calvin helps Gaby and Cirocco find the other crew members (except April). He ultimately decides to leave his human companions to live with the blimp permanently.
The remaining companions encounter the Titanides, strange centaur-like beings who speak a language based on music. Cirocco finds she has the ability to speak their language. The Titanides are in a perpetual state of war with the Angels, birdlike humanoid creatures. They fight because of an impulse that occurs when they are near each other, but do not know why they have the impulse.
The humans learn from the Titanides that there is a controlling intelligence, called Gaea, and it lives 600 km above them, in the hub of the torus. Cirocco, Gaby, and Gene decide to climb up to this place using the support cables that maintain the structure against centrifugal force. During the journey, Gene's behavior becomes increasingly erratic. He rapes Gaby and then rapes Cirocco. He thinks he killed Gaby while he gives chase to Cirocco only Gaby is not dead and eventually cuts his ear off with a hatchet. After he passes out Gaby destroys his face. They get rid of him and keep going. Months of climbing brings them high in one of the spokes of the great wheel. There they find April, who has been transformed into an angel.
Finally reaching the hub, they discover Gaea, who presents herself as a frumpy middle aged woman. She explains that the great wheel is very old, and some of the regional intelligences around the rim have rebelled against the center. It was, in fact, one of these regional intelligences that had captured the Ringmaster and altered its crew. Gaea rescued them and, unable to change them back, placed them where they would be happy. She makes an offer to Cirocco: in exchange for long life and unusual abilities, she can be Gaea's agent at the Rim, her Wizard. Cirocco accepts, with the condition that the war between the Titanides and Angels must stop.
Gaea's personality is that of a movie addict. She has been watching television signals from Earth and is obsessed by movies, especially from Hollywood's Golden Age. The Titanide-Angel war was the result of her having seen war movies, and realizing that humanity will inevitably declare war on her. The war is a way for her to practice.
I read these books years ago but lost the last two books in the trilogy during my many moves in the army. I managed to get the 2nd book, now just after the third.
NASA snaps something 'artificial' on Mars begging the question who or what put it there. A CRYSTAL clear image taken on Mars by the NASA Curiosity Rover appears to show something artificially-made on the Red Planet, it has been claimed in a furious online debate.
People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet.
Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet.
You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck !!!
DAY ONE
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any colour), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite.
Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.
DAY TWO
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.
DAY THREE
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.
FINAL DAY
Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of corn flakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: Drop pieces of spaghetti onto back of dog, insert meatball into ear. Dump pudding into Kool-aid and suck up with a straw.
8 year old little Mary and her mother are walking through the mall together one day.
"Mommy," says the little Mary, "how old are you?"
"Darling, you should never ask a woman what her age is."
"Why not?" demands the child.
"Well, that is something you will understand one day when you're grown-up."
"Mommy," asks Mary again, "how much do you weigh?"
"Never mind." answers the mother.
"Why can't you tell me?"
"Because grown-ups never talk about how much they weigh. This is something you will learn and understand someday."
"Mommy," insists the child, "can you tell me why you and Daddy got divorced?"
"Darling," responds the mother in exasperation, "that's something still very painful for Mommy, and I really just can't talk about it now."
A few days later, Little Mary recounts this conversation to a friend at school. The friend explains how to overcome these problems. "All you have to do is get your mother's driver's license. It has all the information about any grown-up you want on it. You just read it like a report card and it'll give you anything you need."
So little Mary does as her friend recommended. That night she sneaks into her mother's room while her mom was cooking dinner. She rummages through her purse and finds the drivers license. After examining it carefully she walks up to her mother and says, "I know how old you are! You are 35!"
The mother is very surprised. "And, I know how much you weigh. You weigh 136 pounds, right?" The mother is shocked. "And, I know why you and Daddy got a divorce."
Hi everybody Ive just been using another dating site So far it has delivered 3 fake profiles not from Robots but mis -representers In this case guys posting pics of very hot men but its not them Please beware of this we studiously endeavour to prevent this but sometimes we need your help but a good way to stop it is if you are at all concerned just ask to skype this sorts out the good from the bad immediately
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas pilots to maintenance engineers. After attending to the complaints prior to the aircraft's next flight, the maintenance crews are required to log the
details of action taken.
(P) is the problem submitted by the pilots.
(S) is the solution and action taken by maintenance engineers.
P - Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S - Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P - Test flight OK except autoland very rough.
S - Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P - #2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S - #2 propeller seepage normal. #1, #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.
P - Something loose in cockpit.
S - Something tightened in cockpit.
P - Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S - Evidence removed.
P - DME volume unbelievably loud.
S - Volume set to more believable level.
P - Dead bugs on windshield.
S - Live bugs on backorder.
P - Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
S - Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P - IFF inoperative.
S - IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P - Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S - That's what they're there for.
P - Number three engine missing.
S - Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P - Aircraft handles funny.
S - Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious.
P - Target Radar hums.
S - Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words
The following was written by State Representative Mitchell Kaye from Cobb County, GA.
We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behaviour and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional and other liberal, bed-wetters.
We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a "Bill of No Rights".
ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - not just you ! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc, but the world is full of idiots and probably always will be.
ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidising generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.
ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in health care.
ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.
ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big-screen colour TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII: You don't have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.
ARTICLE IX: You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and educational training laid before you to make yourself useful.
ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness - which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by her not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain, and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked," Did you dance much?" He replied, I'll tell you; I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening. " You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life".
"Let's spread out - we can do more damage that way"
"Why worry? Each one of us is carrying an unlicensed nuclear accelerator on his back."
"We've been going about this all wrong. This Mr. Stay Puft's okay! He's a sailor, he's in New York; we get this guy laid, we won't have any trouble!"
"If I'm wrong, nothing happens! We go to jail - peacefully, quietly. We'll enjoy it! But if I'm *right*, and we *can* stop this thing... Lenny, you will have saved the lives of millions of registered voters."
"Don’t sell yourself short Judge, you’re a tremendous slouch." - Ty Webb
"You buy a hat like this, I bet you get a free bowl of soup." - Al Czervik
"This is your wife, huh? Hey baby, you must’ve been something before electricity." - Al Czervik
"Whoa, did somebody step on a duck? - Al Czervik after someone farts.
"The shortest distance between two points is a straight line ... in the opposite direction." - Ty Webb
And don't forget the Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy
"Today must be Thursday ... I could never get the hang of Thursdays" - Arthur Dent on being told that the Vogons are going to demolish the Earth.
"The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don’t" - Narrator
"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."
"For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much like the wheel, New York, wars and so on, whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man ... for precisely the same reasons."- Narrator on when all the dolphins leave planet Earth.
"Listen, three eyes," he said, "don’t you try to outweird me, I get stranger things than you free with my breakfast cereal." - Zaphod Beeblebrox
"There is an art, it says, or rather, a knack to flying. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss."
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything."
"The things you own end up owning you."
"On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero"
"Man, I see in fight club the strongest and smartest men who've ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires and movie gods and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off."
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